via Daily Prompt: Crossing Crossing….. Crossing Over comes to mind, but after 7 years of loved ones crossing over, I’m done with that.
Crossing over in my thinking. Let me explain. Seventeen years ago, I was a loud and proud Liberal who believed that my City, County, State and Federal Governments owed me a living because I couldn’t support myself in a manner to which I wanted to become accustomed to. Counter to that, however, I didn’t believe I was worth a dime. At my lowest point, starting about 30 years ago or so, I really wanted to commit suicide. I couldn’t though. I truly, deeply and completely believed a bullet had more value than I did. It would have been a waste. I didn’t believe my opinions, thoughts or beliefs had any value and nobody would want to know them. The only time I looked at myself in the mirror was after a shower to dry my hair. I hated who looked back at me. She was a worthless, ugly, dumb bitch. It was a perfect fit, being a Liberal, putting everyone’s needs ahead of my own because They were important. I was not. Why was I like that? Abuse or neglectful parents? No. Not a bit! Mom didn’t know how to talk to me or what to do with her insecure child who ended up abusing alcohol and drugs to numb it. I remember several times over the years of growing up, asking mom if she thought I was pretty. She’d say, “Pretty is as pretty does” or some bible platitude about Vanity. Yeah, that helped. She would also compare me to my older sister and I always came up short. “When your sister was your age, she was reading a book a week”, “When your sister was your age, she was sewing her own clothes” and other things she thought would motivate me to be the kind of girl she wanted me to be. Trying to force her square peg into her idea of a round hole. Add to that a twin sister who is a Sociopath or damn near to one. She bullied me from day one. That was left unchecked and has grown so badly out of all bounds I can’t talk to her on a regular basis. Threw me into a wall while we were in grade school and mom had to pry the barrette out of my scalp. Forcing her opinions of me onto me. I won’t write her words here, I won’t make them “real” by putting them in writing. I will say, that if she knew I had one of something, she’d tell me she already had had one and in every color made. Freud had her in mind when he wrote his Ego Defense Mechanisms. I then married a man who was more mentally, emotionally and spiritually abusive than the twin was. He told me once that even if he had to lie, he’d come out looking good and I’d come out looking bad. I accepted that as fact and stayed with him another 10 years after that.
So, what changed 17 years ago? I met my Bear who took one look at me and called “Bulls*!+ on all of it. He slowly showed me that I am worth something, He bought a Corvette and taught me how to drive a clutch. My ex-husband had tried to teach me and so had the twin. After she’d tried for only half an hour and I couldn’t get it, she told me I was too stupid to get the hang of it and took me back home. When Bear taught me, I’d just gotten my right arm out of the sling from shoulder surgery and the next morning we were in a huge parking lot with the rest of the Corvette Club and we were racing. I raced all weekend. By the end of the first year, I was 19th in the Region out of over 900. I’ve gone to college and gotten 2 degrees. I’m writing a blog and people are reading it. And some say they “Like” what they’re reading. I went from thinking no one should have a gun to owning a couple and have turned out to be a pretty good shot. I’ll use one to stop anyone who wants to kill me. I’m still not “in love” with the person I see in the mirror, but I don’t full on hate her either. I am in no way a Conservative or a Right Winger. What I am is middle ground. I’m not interested in living in the extremes any longer.
So, what changed you may ask. A good man who believed in me enough to show me how to believe in myself. He lives his life not being controlled by what others think of him. He doesn’t follow rules that don’t exist (societal norms). He just kept living his life and brought me along with him.
My thinking made a crossing from Victim to BITE ME!!